3 Ways in Which Panamagate Has Hurt the Feelings of Calibri

For the last 48 hours since the report of Panama JIT report became public we have seen an overload of reactions from the citizens, the media and of course the politicians. And so, since a lot has already been said, we won’t bore you with details that you’re already an expert on.

However, the one aspect of the JIT that we really wanted to investigate was the font Calibri and how it became an international headline.

By now we’re all well-versed with what made Calibri such an important feature of the Panama JIT report. However for those people who might still be unaware (HOW?!) here’s a quick recap: the first daughter, Maryam Nawaz submitted a declaration related to offshore companies, Nielsen and Nescoll Limited. The declaration was printed in Calibri font and was dated 2006. Since Calibri was not commercially available until January 2007, the JIT concluded that the submitted declaration was fake.

Also Read: 3 Reasons How the JIT Report Can Damage the Political Future of the Sharif Family

Now for the last 24 hours we, the citizens and media of Pakistan have been talking about how Calibri has affected the outcome of the Panama JIT report. However, no one is really bothered about how we have affected Calibri!

Thus, in solidarity with the font and its feelings this scribe undertook an investigation to determine what impact we have had on Calibri. In Calibri’s own words, this is what the investigation revealed:

No Politician Will Trust Me Again

Once beloved by political leaders and the common folk alike, I shall forever be viewed with distrust by the ruling elite. This would mean that I would not be the font of choice for important national declarations and prestigious international deals. Even the business community will forsake me for failing to protect its interests!

Also Read: What Bothered Me About Maryam Nawaz’s JIT Appearance

Wikipedia Has Frozen My Page

Wikipedia, that otherwise allows virtually every page to be publicly edited froze my page, disallowing public editing until 18th July! This seems like a prison sentence for a crime that I’ve not even committed! What’s the fun of Wikipedia if you can’t edit a page as you please? Who would want to visit my boring, un-editable “Calibri” page now? The humiliation and sense of deprivation that has come with this announcement can only be understood by the Church of Scientology but who cares about the support of those weird guys, anyway?

I Have Lost Prestige Among Fellow Fonts

I had spent 10 whole years trying to build a reputation among my peers. In fact I was being hailed as the successor to Times New Roman. But now everything has changed! Being touted as the font of the masses, I have become a laughing stock in my own community. Only this morning Garamond came over and called me, “The poor man’s font!” Do you realize how depressing this is?!

Calibri broke down into hysterical tears after sharing this last insight and remained inconsolable until the filing of this piece.